xxddmm

Chapter 25 - About a year and a half ago. (Part 4)

Late February.
The coldest time of the day: just before dawn.

"Man, that was seriously the worst night ever."
"Really? I actually had a pretty good time."

After leaving the hotel (and doing absolutely nothing), Yuu and I were sitting side by side on a bench at the train station platform, shivering as the icy wind cut through us.

"Well, whatever. Congrats on another year of being a virgin, Yuu."
"Not funny at all... Also, why are you still using that, Yami-senpai?"
"I told you, I'm not your senpai anymore. Ahaha!"

Yeah, it was freezing, no doubt about that...

But for some reason, I felt like my mood was keeping me warm. Like no matter how long the wind kept blowing, I'd be fine.

We called it an evaluation meeting for Yuu's failed entrance exam and other stuff, but it was really just me teasing him nonstop.
Whenever he tried to turn away from me, annoyed, I'd lean in close, catching his gaze from below or the side so he couldn't escape.

When I gave him my most mischievous grin, Yuu would glare back at me, looking just a little sulky.
But before long, he'd crack a sheepish smile, despite himself.

It was, by far, the worst night for both of us. We agreed on that.
And yet, we couldn't stop talking.

We'd catch each other's eyes and burst into laughter...

"...Ah."
"What? Yami-senpai?"
"Hmm... Oh, it's nothing."
"...Really?"

It hit me then.

I was staring right at him.
Looking straight at his face.

"Anyway, I've gotta focus on the public school entrance exam next."
"Want me to help you study? We could go to a family restaurant or something."
"...Yami-senpai, do you even have time to tutor anyone?"
"I was an honor student up through middle school, you know. I only started slacking in high school."
"Well, not today... I'm exhausted."

Yuu looked totally wiped out from staying up all night, his eyes starting to droop as he stifled a yawn.

Well, he probably hadn't done anything but study in the lead-up to the exams.
And maybe he hadn't been sleeping well while waiting for the results, either.

"...Mmm."
"........."

Eventually, he shut his eyes completely and started to breathe softly, the sound of his light sleep drifting over.

So I made sure to take it all in: his face, peaceful and defenseless as he slept.

But then...

"The train on Platform 1 is now arriving."

That blissful silence, the time we shared without talking or progressing in any particular way...
It was drowned out by the noise of the first train of the day.

Thankfully, it wasn't the train heading in my direction.
But even that luck was only half a blessing.

"Yaaawn... Oh, this one's mine."
"Yeah......"

Yuu stood up, wobbling a little. He glanced back at me for just a second before shifting his focus to the train as it slid into the platform.

"See ya, Yami-senpai..."
"......Ah."

Since I didn't stand up from the bench, he seemed to pick up on it and gave a casual farewell.

There was something slightly reluctant in his tone, in the way he acted, but...
It probably didn't even come close to the frustration I was feeling in that moment.

Because... because...
Wait, hang on.
Your... Yuu's contact info...

"Ah..."

Yuu didn't ask mine.
He didn't even try to ask.

But it's probably just because he's sleepy and not thinking straight.

Maybe he'll realize it later, once he's on the train.
Or when he gets home, after catching up on sleep.
Maybe he'll regret not getting my number then.

...Or maybe he won't.
Maybe he won't even think about it at all.
He might just move on like nothing happened, like it's no big deal.

"Uh... uhm..."

But there's one thing I know for sure.
I'll regret it. I'll drown in regret.

"Hey, uh... Yuu!"
"Hm?"

Yuu, still half-asleep, doesn't even look at me properly. Ugh, so irritating.

"Hey, I mean... I mean-!"
"Yami-senpai?"

He wasn't even noticing how desperate I looked.

...Wait. Stop. Don't blame him for this, Ayami.
Why can't I just spit it out?

I know he'd give it to me, no problem.
There's no reason to hesitate, none at all.

So then why, why-?

Yesterday, it was so easy.
I dragged him into that hotel without a second thought.

"...Ugh."

Ah, seriously.

Something as simple, as innocent as this...
I just can't do it, can I?

"The doors on Platform 1 are closing. Please stand clear."

So... this is it, then?
Is everything over?

It's over... just like that.

............
............

The train pulled away.
The noise slowly faded.

There weren't many passengers getting off, and soon, the platform returned to its quiet state.

"Mm... mmph..."
"Wha -- mmf!"

Now, it was just the two of us.

"Mm... haa... ah..."
"Y-Yami, wa -- wait...!"

Just the two of us, tightly embracing, our lips crashing together...

No, actually, it was all me.
I was the one who dragged him off the train.
I was the one who clung to him so desperately.
I was the one who kissed him with everything I had.

"Mm... ngh..."
"H-Hey... uh, hold on..."

Yuu was totally stunned, his sleepiness obliterated.
He stood there, panting, staring at me like he couldn't believe what just happened.

He was looking at me.

"Yami-senpai... why now, all of a sudden?"

At the hotel, I didn't kiss him.
Even when I let him touch anywhere else, I wouldn't let him touch my lips.

But now?
Now, I couldn't hold back.
I had to do everything I could.

"So, you say that, and yet..."
"...!"

Not just a kiss.
Everything -- my body, my words, my all -- had to be used to make sure he wouldn't leave.

"You're... so hard, Yuu..."

My hand pressed against the front of his pants.
Something I hadn't felt earlier that night was there now, and I shivered from the realization.

"Because... because..."

I couldn't ask for his number.
But I couldn't stand the idea of losing him.

"It's because you're staring at me... Yami-senpai..."
"Yuu..."
"Mmph... mm..."

Then this was my only choice.
I had to become someone Yuu wouldn't want to lose.

I didn't know what I was doing.
I'd never done this before.

But maybe, this was easier than asking for his contact info.

And so, the two of us...
We went back to the hotel we'd just left, booking a different room this time.

............
............

I'm Matsushita Ayami.
Right now, it doesn't matter whether I'm a high schooler or not.

I gave my first time to the one and only guy in the world I didn't hate.
Someone who, honestly, seemed way more inexperienced than me.

To the clueless dummy who was so nervous he didn’t even realize it was both our first times.