xxddmm

Chapter 17 - Not quite a confession.

For most of the people here tonight, it's a lively, exciting evening.
But for the two of us... it's a night that just feels heavy.

The place is sparkling and bright, but somehow there's this nostalgic vibe.
The sounds of people chatting are loud and lively, yet oddly warm and comforting.

We're at the local festival, right near our houses.
I'm in a yukata, while he's in his usual casual clothes from earlier today.
So it's like this thrilling continuation of our afternoon pool date (at least, that's how I think of it).

Except...

"So, uh... Hikari..."
"Y-yeah...?"

The mood between us... it feels like a funeral.
We're hardly saying anything, both of us just staring at the ground instead of looking at the food stalls.
And we end up buying nothing, wandering slowly through the crowd, but somehow, we keep running out of things to say or do.

Eventually, he seems to have had enough of this awkwardness.
Let's go talk for a bit, he says, pulling me aside, away from the crowd and into the trees.

"About earlier..."
"H-Huh? Earlier? What do you mean!?"
"My high school entrance exams."
"Oh... right..."

Normally, if he made a bold move like this, my mind would be spinning with all sorts of wild ideas. But tonight, even my usual daydreams are staying quiet.

"I didn't get in."
"Huh?"
"I applied, you know, to your high school..."

"He even applied to get into the same high school as you, Shirasaka-san."

That's what my old middle school classmate had casually mentioned at the pool this afternoon. I hadn't known a thing about it until then... and it had hit me like a ton of bricks.

"Yeah... didn't make it. I mean, my grades weren't even close, so it's no surprise."

And now, he's just... admitting it to me so casually.
Though... he probably spent six hours stressing about it before telling me.

"Oh... I see. I... I don't really know what to say..."
"Hey, don't worry about it. I'm totally over it! It's been over a year now, and I actually like my current school."

So... it's true.
But knowing it's true is, well... kinda bad for me.

Because the second I knew he really tried to get in, all these questions and things I want to know are just flooding through my head.

More than anything, I want to ask him why.
Not why he didn't pass, but why he even tried.

Still... failing high school entrance exams, that's a pretty sensitive topic.
It doesn't feel like the kind of thing a regular childhood friend should be prying into.

Especially not someone like me, who got in early through recommendation. If I ask, it'd come off as completely tactless.
But still...

I want to ask, I really, really want to know!

Ta~kun, you knew I'd already been accepted, didn't you?
When you applied, you knew that if you got in, we'd be going to the same high school, right?
And that didn't bother you?
Or maybe... maybe it was the opposite of that...

"But, if I'm honest, I kinda feel like you'd want to know why I applied..."
"...!"

Did my face just give me away?
Honestly, I know I must look way too eager right now.

"Well... there were a few reasons... It's a pretty high-ranking school, it's close to home, the uniform's nice, the school culture's laid-back..."
"O-oh, yeah... yeah, that's... basically the same reasons I had."
"...But that's not really what you wanted to hear, huh."

Did my face just betray me again?
Did he catch that slightly disappointed look on my face?

Because, yeah, those are perfectly good reasons for why you'd pick that school.
But they're not reasons for why you'd pick the same school as me.

He knows I want to hear the reasons for that.
And just now, with what he said, he's admitted that I was a factor.
That going to the same school as me was one of his reasons.

"I... I mean... I..."
"..."

His eyes lock onto mine, intense and focused.
He looks so serious... and so nervous, too.

"I... back then, Hikari, I..."
"......!"

His tension spreads to me instantly.
I put on my own serious face, waiting with a heart-thudding mix of nerves and excitement for whatever he's about to say next.

"I just... always wanted to catch up to you."
"......"

I guess... that's not exactly the answer I was hoping for, right?

But strangely, I didn't feel disappointed, not exactly.
Instead, I was... surprised. Kind of caught off guard.

It wasn't the answer I'd wanted, and I definitely hadn't expected it.
But it wasn't something I didn't want to hear, either.

"I mean, I never beat you at anything, Hikari. Not at studying, or sports, or... being with people. I was terrible at everything. In all of middle school, the only thing I ever got ahead of you in was my height."

I had no idea he'd felt... self-conscious about me.

"Back then, you were always laughing, always at the center of everything, cool and boyish."
"...Wait, was that last one supposed to be a compliment?"
"Haha... Yeah, okay, maybe you're not like that anymore."

I had no idea he'd thought of me as a rival.

"I mean, back then, that's how I saw you, Hikari."

I had no idea he'd been aware of me, noticing me, all along.

"That's why I wanted to beat you. At the very least, catch up to you... Sorry I never told you."

The sounds of the festival seem to drift far into the distance.
My mind feels so strangely clear, almost calm.

"You know, you don't have to apologize, Ta~kun."
"Still..."
"Sure, maybe it would've been nice to hear it sooner. But I don't think you're some liar or anything just because you didn't tell me."
"You... really think so?"
"Of course! I get it, it's not exactly easy to bring up."

It might not have been the perfect answer I'd hoped for.

But still, it was really, really...
An important thing for me to hear.

"Look, I might not have told you everything I feel, but what I just said... every word of it was true."

Whether he realized he'd left me hanging or not, he just had to go and leave me with another line that made my heart flutter.

"Thank you for telling me, Ta~kun... it really makes me happy."
"Hikari..."

But, well...
I'll let it go at that for tonight.

"Thank you for seeing me as a rival, too."

Thank you for being aware of me all this time.

"Thank you for trusting me enough to share something so difficult with me."

Thank you for sharing what's in your heart.

"And thank you, for still being my friend, even after all that."

Thank you for still liking me, at least as a friend. That makes me so, so happy.

Yes, this... this is enough.

If he had ended up going to the same school as me...
Maybe my feelings wouldn't have grown into what they are now.

If he'd told me back then that he liked me...
The boyish version of myself he remembers...
The girl who'd never even thought about romance...
She might not have said yes to him.

So that's how it's led to this moment. To now, where I've fallen so hard for him.
I didn't get the answer I'd hoped for, but I didn't get one I dreaded, either.
The possibility is still there, and that's fine for now.

Because I'm just a girl who's only just now fallen in love with her childhood friend.

"Alright then! Now that you've gotten that off your chest, it's time to eat everything in sight! Takoyaki, yakisoba, okonomiyaki -- let's go!"
"It's all just flour-based food..."
"What? It's perfect! Not too pricey, fills you up, and has that festival vibe -- perfect for minmaxing fun!"
"Yep, Hikari, you're still just as boyish as ever."
"Wait, hold on, are you still saying that?!"

I'm Shirasaka Hikari, sixteen years old......

......and I love him.
Yeah, I really, really love him.